“How to Win Friends and Influence People” is timeless classis, first published back in 1936. If you want to have better relationships and gain more influence then this book is must read for you. You’ll get practical tips to improve your relationships and win friends, so you can get along with people better and, ultimately, make your life a little bit easier.
Lesson 1: Never criticize – it just doesn’t work
Think about it for a second. Al Capone, the infamous gangster, saw himself as a good guy. He once said, “I’ve spent the best years of my life giving people the lighter pleasures, helping them have a good time, and all I get is abuse.” Now, that’s pretty wild considering his criminal history, but it goes to show that we all tend to think we’re in the right, no matter what we’ve done. And if we struggle to criticize ourselves, you can bet we don’t take it well when someone else criticizes us.
The problem with criticizing others is that it puts them on the defensive. When we’re told we’re wrong, our natural reaction is to justify our actions, and worse, we often hold grudges. So, instead of getting someone to change by calling them out, you can actually make things worse.
What’s the alternative. Everyone loves feeling valued, and a bit of appreciation can go a long way. Take Charles Schwab, a steel magnate, for example. He built his business success by avoiding criticism and focusing on praising others instead. In his experience, encouragement always got better results than criticism. People respond better to praise, and it can make your relationships a lot more positive.
Lesson 2: Learn from dogs – be genuinely happy to see people
Ever noticed how dogs just light up when you come home? They’re so excited to see you, and that’s one of the reasons why we love them so much. Dogs don’t hide their affection, and that’s something we can learn from.
When it comes to meeting new people, showing genuine interest in them works way better than trying to be the most interesting person in the room. People love to talk about themselves, so being a good listener and showing excitement to meet someone new is the quickest way to their heart. Smile, use their name in conversation, and make them feel important.
Here’s a example. A landscaping inspector complimented one of his clients on his dogs, and that led to a long chat about dog breeding, which was the client’s passion. Not only did this make the conversation more enjoyable, but the client ended up gifting the inspector a purebred puppy! Being genuinely interested in others can lead to some pretty amazing surprises.
Lesson 3: Be a good listener – everyone loves a good listener
Let’s take a page from Abraham Lincoln’s book. During the Civil War, he called a neighbor to the White House, not for advice, but simply to talk things out. After discussing his thoughts, Lincoln thanked his neighbor and sent him home without ever asking for input. What Lincoln needed wasn’t advice but someone to listen to him.
People appreciate good listeners. If you want to make a great first impression, ask people about themselves and really listen. It’s not about having all the answers or dominating the conversation. Ask open-ended questions, and let the other person talk about their life, their interests, or their experiences. You’ll quickly find that people appreciate this and will enjoy your company more.
Theodore Roosevelt had a little trick to make conversations more engaging. Before meeting someone important, he’d read up on their favorite topic, so they could have a meaningful conversation about something they were passionate about. You don’t need to go that far, but taking a genuine interest in what others enjoy can work wonders.
Lesson 4: Avoid arguments – they’re not worth it
Winning an argument can feel great in the moment, but it doesn’t help in the long run. If you make someone feel like they’ve lost, they’ll hold a grudge, and that’s not the way to build lasting relationships.
If you can, avoid arguments altogether. But if a disagreement does come up, approach it gently. Avoid saying things like “You’re wrong,” because that’s an instant trigger for someone to get defensive. Instead, acknowledge that you could be wrong and invite the other person to explore the facts with you. This way, it becomes a cooperative discussion rather than a fight.
And what if you’re proven wrong? Admit it quickly and gracefully. This earns you respect and keeps the conversation positive. On the flip side, if you’re right, don’t gloat about it. Letting someone down easy helps maintain the relationship, and they’ll be more likely to agree with you next time.
Lesson 5: Get people to say yes – Socrates-style persuasion
Socrates, the ancient Greek philosopher, had a smart approach to persuasion. He started conversations by getting people to agree with simple statements and slowly moved the conversation into more complex topics. This put people in an affirmative mindset, making them more open to accepting new ideas.
The key here is to avoid getting people to say no. Once someone rejects an idea, they’re emotionally invested in defending that stance, and it becomes much harder to convince them otherwise. On the flip side, people love coming up with ideas on their own, so guide them gently towards the conclusion you want them to reach.
Take Colonel Edward M. House’s relationship with President Woodrow Wilson. House would casually mention his ideas in conversation, and over time, Wilson would adopt them as his own. People naturally prefer their own ideas to others’, so helping them arrive at your conclusion makes them more likely to accept it.
Lesson 6: See things from the other person’s perspective
Jay Mangum, who worked for an elevator maintenance company, had a dilemma. He needed to shut down a hotel elevator for a full day to do some repairs, but the manager didn’t want to keep it closed for more than two hours. Instead of arguing, Jay empathized with the manager’s concern for his guests. He explained that delaying the repair would lead to even bigger problems later, which would be far more inconvenient for the guests. The manager agreed to the full-day shutdown.
The lesson here is simple: when you understand someone else’s perspective, you’re more likely to come up with a solution that works for both of you. People appreciate when you show empathy and are more willing to compromise.
Lesson 7: Use praise to inspire good behavior
Ruth Hopkins, a teacher in New York, was faced with the challenge of having Tommy, the school’s biggest troublemaker, in her class. But instead of dreading it, she praised him. She told him she’d heard he was a natural leader and that she was counting on him to make the class the best in the grade. With such a high standard to live up to, Tommy’s behavior improved drastically.
People love praise, and when you recognize their strengths, they feel motivated to live up to the positive reputation you’ve set for them. Whether it’s with kids, colleagues, or friends, acknowledging someone’s potential can bring out their best behavior.
How to Win Friends and Influence People is all about building positive, meaningful relationships by understanding human nature. By avoiding criticism, showing genuine interest in others, being a good listener, and offering praise, you can create stronger connections with the people around you.
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