The Four Agreements (1997) is a guide to breaking free from negative patterns and realizing one’s true self, a New York Times best seller for over eight years. It explains how society raises people to conform to strict rules, and how with effort and commitment, one can set their own life guidelines.
The Toltec were a civilization of ancient artists and scientists who inherited spiritual knowledge from their ancestors in central Mexico, prior to the Aztec dominance, and had a rich tradition of education and knowledge transmission.
As children, we are taught strict rules that we force ourselves to follow as adults. Social norms dictate the content and form of our dreams, including individual and collective dreams. These rules are shaped by parents, schools, religions, and other influential forces, teaching us proper behavior, beliefs, and the difference between good and bad. However, these rules were not chosen by us, and our acceptance of them constitutes domestication.
If we rebelled as children, adults were still more powerful than us, suppressing our dissent and punishing us if we disobeyed. Parents often reward their children with attention from parents, teachers, and friends, which makes us feel good and encourages us to abide by these rules. Fearing rejection, we often pretend to be something different.
At a certain point, it is not necessary for anyone to control us, as our beliefs are lodged deep within us. This leads to domestication, where we create a perfect self-image and punish, judge, and blame ourselves when we fail to act in accordance with it.
Be Impeccable with your Words
Being impeccable with your words is crucial for personal growth and self-acceptance. The Latin word “impeccable” means “without sin,” meaning it is important to avoid using language against yourself or others. This can lead to self-judgment or blame, which can be harmful. Instead, it is essential to reaffirm your greatness and love for yourself.
Words can be powerful and can either liberate or enslave you and others. They can communicate and express yourself, but they can also transform your thinking and create ideas in your mind. Words can shape your sense of reality and affect others’ opinions. For example, a woman’s words can enslave us by making us believe we are not good enough.
Just consider this story.
A smart and good-natured mother had a daughter whom she adored. One day, the woman arrived home, hoping to spend some quiet time alone. However, her daughter was in a good mood, singing loudly.
The woman lost control of herself for a time and yelled at her daughter, “You have a stupid voice!” “Shut up!”
Because of this encounter, the daughter believed what her mother said, convincing herself that her voice was unattractive and annoying. She didn’t sing for a long time and had difficulties communicating with others.
It merely shows how words can enslave us. Consider how many times you have told yourself you aren’t good enough. Each time you do this, you are forming an agreement and deciding to follow it.
That’s why the initial commitment is not to use the word against oneself.
Have a Strong Sense of Self
Having a strong sense of self can help you avoid taking things personally. People often take things personally, leading to a state of personal importance, where everything is about them. This is a result of domestication, which teaches people to take everything personally. However, nothing people say or do to you is about you. People have their own dreams and live according to their own agreements. When someone calls you fat, it’s not about your body, but rather the issues, opinions, and beliefs they’re dealing with.
To overcome this issue, know who you are and don’t take other people’s comments personally. You don’t need to seek information from others or get their acceptance, and nothing they say will affect you. It’s also helpful to recognize that everyone views the world from a different perspective, and you should recognize your own viewpoint.
When someone tells you your words are hurtful, it’s not your words that cause them pain, but the wounds they experience due to their own agreements. When you get angry about something someone else says, it’s because of your own fear, making it essential to deal with such emotions.
Don’t Assume Ask Questions
Assumptions can create problems in relationships, as they lead to feelings of duplication when they are proven wrong. Most assumptions have no basis in reality and only appear real in the imagination. When you have difficulty understanding something, you assume you know what it means, but when the truth becomes clear, it has a different meaning. For example, if you’re walking through a city and a beautiful person catches your eye, you might immediately assume they like you and drift away on a daydream that ends with you getting married.
Out-of-control assumptions can also cause serious problems in relationships, as people often assume their partners know what they’re thinking, leading to disappointment and anger when they don’t. Additionally, you may make assumptions about yourself, thinking you can do something and feeling bad for overestimating yourself when you fail.
To replace assumptions with courageous questions, it’s essential to ask clear communication and ask as many questions as necessary to get total clarity on the issue. By asking questions, you’ll get closer to the truth and avoid feeling the desire to assume.
Always do your best, even if circumstances change.
Do you remember your parents and teachers urging you as a kid to just do your best? Well, it’s very sound advice, and you should always try your best, whatever that means in any particular situation.
That’s because doing your best always depends on the context, and as long as you give it your all, there’s no reason to blame or judge yourself. Doing your best varies from day to day. On some days, your best will be absolutely fantastic, but on others, it may not be so good.
Consider how different you are in the morning, when you are full of energy, vs late at night, when you are fatigued from a long day.
You must remember this since attempting to go above and beyond your best at any particular time will only leave you tired and worn out. Wearing yourself out will naturally take longer to achieve your goal, but doing less than your best will lead to self-judgment, criticism, guilt, and frustration.
So, to give your all, do things for their own sake. You should work hard because it makes you happy, not for external inspiration.
Salary is an excellent illustration in this context. You’ll never give your all if your main motivation is your income. Most individuals perform their jobs for money, not because they enjoy them. As a result, most people have professions that are challenging, unsatisfying, and imposed on them. Because of this lack of fulfillment, individuals resort to partying, drinking, and other unproductive activities on weekends.
On the other hand, if doing your best entails working hard because you enjoy the task at hand, you will perform better and your work will become more effortless. In this way, the last commitment – to always do your best – will strengthen all of the other agreements while also allowing you to free yourself.
Break away from your previous agreements and find your independence.
Now that you understand how your past agreements are causing you pain, here are three ways to break them and free yourself.
The first is about the dream you’re having right now, known as the dream of the initial attention because it was created with your early childhood attention. But you are no longer a child, and you can begin to change your dreams and believe whatever you choose.
You also have the advantage of seeing that what you learnt as a child isn’t the whole truth. As a result, you can change your dream, form your beliefs, and create what is known as the dream of the second attention.
To do so, start by identifying the fear-based beliefs that are causing you distress. Then, break them down piece by piece, replacing them with new beliefs like the Four Agreements.
The second technique to become free is based on the Toltec concept that our brains are controlled by a parasitic parasite. To be rid of this weight, you must practice forgiveness, which shuts off the parasite’s food source.
Imagine waking up in the morning full of vigor. Then you have a fight with your lover and suddenly feel completely spent and locked in unpleasant emotions. These emotions deplete your energy and make it harder to modify your own or others’ circumstances.
Not only that, but your hatred feeds the parasite, increasing negativity. To break the vicious cycle, you must forgive those who have wronged you, including yourself.
Finally, the third method to free yourself is to live each day as if it were the last. This will show you that you have nothing that does not exist in the now. It provides a clearer picture of how you wish to live. This is known as the initiation of the dead, and it asks, “Do you really want to spend this amazing moment worrying what other people think of you?”
Takeaways :
- Society’s rules prevent self-realization.
- Four Agreements from Toltec wisdom can replace ingrained rules.